Porn Again Christian - Part 2: God's Here

This is a dramatized account of a true story. My true story (just with different names and locations). It’s told from two time periods, from the start of my life, and from the start of my prison sentence. My story is not an easy one to tell. It’s not a safe testimony. And it’s brutally a honest one.

I only ask one thing: If you are going to read any part of it, read the entire story, beginning to end. This story is both about my human weaknesses and God’s righteous power. If you know someone with similar struggles, please share this with them.

If it was up to me, I would never tell my story, but God has called me to give others hope and help guide them towards Him, because no human being is worthless and everyone deserves another chance.

PLEASE START WITH PART ONE

 

9 Years Before Now.

Scott sat alone in his bed. His mom had left for the grocery store and his father was living about an hour away, at the closest job in his field that was available. Scott and his mother had been living in an RV at a campground just outside of their new hometown.

Scott was miserable. He had been attending his new school for several months, but had yet to make any friends. His father was only there with them every other weekend. His mother was an emotional wreck. And they had gone from living in a big four-bedroom home with a swimming pool to being crammed in a tiny RV, with barely enough room for two people to walk through.

His depression had gotten much worse. He was only 13-years-old, but he was so miserable that he had often contemplated taking his own life. 

When they had moved, his mother had found the box of dirty magazines and tossed them. The RV was too small for a computer, so Scott no longer had any access to pornography, something that he had grown dependant on as an escape from his depression.

A lot of people think a child this young couldn’t possibly be so depressed. They think it’s just sadness that they don’t know what to do about. But that’s not true. Most teenagers who feel this way have been bullied or abused, but Scott had simply lived too many days in a row without any happiness.

And this was going to be his last one. He decided this when he woke up. He decided he didn’t want to wake up here anymore.

After his mother left for the store, he laid on his bed. He had never researched suicide, he just knew he wanted to die, and the only way he could think to do that was to shove his Swiss Army knife into his heart.

He held the knife above his chest, his hands shaking. He stayed in this position for what felt like hours, trying to get up enough nerve. Finally, he took a deep breath, tensed up his arms, and… the phone rang.

Startled, he dropped the knife and it fell to the floor. He sighed heavily, half irritated, half relieved. The phone kept ringing. Scott got out of bed and picked it up.

It was his best friend, Tony, just calling to catch up.

Scott immediately had a thought in his mind. This was God. This was God saving me. He doesn’t want me to die.

 

Now.

Scott had been in prison for a week. He finally had some clothes and shoes that fit, but he still had no money in his account and no job assigned to him. So, he’d been spending his time reading books from the library.

He had spend some time out in the rec. yard, but he didn’t have any sweats or tennis shoes, just his official assigned work clothes until he got some money, so he didn’t do much.

After that first night, he was reassigned to another room, and a lower bed. The snoring still got him woken up a lot, but not as violently.

Mostly, he was just bored. But tonight was the night he had been waiting for. Church night. The night an Evangelical pastor came to the prison and held a worship service. Scott’s first night happened to be a Baptism night, where the Pastor was able to baptize everyone who had been saved in the last six months.

It was inspiring. There was a worship band made up of prisoners and the Pastor clearly had a heart for the inmates. Fifteen inmates were baptized that night and everybody was just in a spirit of rejoicing and worship. And Scott couldn’t control himself. He cried, but for the first time in several years, they were tears of joy.

“Thank you, God,” he prayed, “Thank you so much.”

The pastor came and put his arm around Scott, even though they had never met. The pastor whispered in Scott’s ear, “He’s here tonight, brother. God’s here.”

 

7 Years Before Now.

A lot had changed in two years. Scott’s father had moved back with the family after finding a job in town and the family was finally able to move into a real house again.

Scott was invited to a Baptist church by a couple of kids he knew from his school’s choir. Having grown up in a Catholic school, it was a big change for him, but one that he enjoyed.

His parents still had some problems, but at least they were happier.

But most of all, Scott had something on his mind.

Well, more like someone.

It was a Sunday night and they were wrapping things up the Evening worship service. Scott wasn’t paying attention during service. He was too busy being nervous.

As him and a few other of the youth of the church were helping turn the church lights off, Scott pulled Christa over to the side.

She had just turned 13 a couple months earlier and he was 15, but they had a lot in common. Well, at least as much as two teenagers can.

“Christa…” Scott barely got out.

“Uh huh…” Christa wasn’t stupid. She knew exactly what was happening. She had seen it coming for a while.

“Well, you know we have that Valentine’s Day dinner in a couple months, and, well… I was wondering if you would like to go with me and, you know, go… out… with me?”

She smiled, and giggled a little when she said “Yes.”

And, for maybe the first time in his life, he didn’t have an ounce of depression in him.

 

Now.

Scott had been in for three weeks now, and in all this time, he had still yet to really talk to anyone. And it was really starting to affect him. He had been warned not to trust anyone in prison, but he desperately needed a friend.

Of course, he had big fears. What if they ask what I’m in here for? What if they ask too many questions and I can’t keep my fake story straight? He didn’t take the warnings lightly. If anyone found out why he was here, he was toast.

During the church service, he noticed the lead singer wasn’t there that night. He had seen the guy around several times because he lived in Scott’s unit. He asked the rest of the band what his name was and then went to look for him once he got back from the service.

He found him in a room right upstairs from his own, lying down.

“Ben?” Scott asked, poking his head in.

Ben was lying down with his beanie over his face, “Yeah?”

“Hey, I’m Scott. I, uh, I just wanted to let you know that we missed you at service tonight. I think you have a great voice and look forward to hearing it again.”

Ben took the beanie off his face. He was older than Scott by about ten years, and he was upset, but he tried to hide it. “Yeah, thanks.”

Scott was uncomfortable. Maybe he had made a mistake. “Yeah. Alright, goodnight.”

Scott walked back down to his own room and sat on his bed. This was going to be a lot harder than he thought. How do you make friends in prison?

He grabbed his book and read for about 15 minutes when Ben walked into the room.

“Hey, uh…” he paused, “I’m sorry, I forgot your name.”

“Scott.”

“Scott. Hey,” Ben squatted down to be eye level, obviously uncomfortable. “I want to apologize. I’m kinda upset tonight, I had an argument with one of the guys in the band and didn’t feel like going to church tonight.”

“Oh, no, that’s fine,” Scott tried to make sure he wasn’t offended.

“No, it’s not. You came up and were really nice and I just brushed you off. I felt bad after you left and God kept tugging on my heart to come see you.”

“Well, I appreciate that. Thank you.”

Ben obviously had more on his mind. “Well, here’s the thing. I’ve been praying for a while for, well, a friend. I really need someone to talk with. The guys in the band are always arguing about something and I don’t really have anyone to talk to, especially about the Bible and stuff like that…”

Scott was dumb-founded, but kept his composure.

“…and to be honest, I think you might be an answer to prayer.”

Ben couldn’t hide how vulnerable he felt, but Scott couldn’t hide his own excitement.

“I’ve been praying for the same thing, and when I didn’t see you at service, I felt lead to come see you. You know, I’m new to this and I could really use someone to talk to as well.”

“Well,” Ben said, standing up, “That’s awesome, man. That’s good. So, how about tomorrow morning, you and I go to rec and we can pray together and talk. That okay?”

 

5 Years Before Now.

Scott was still dating Christa, but his depression had come back, and harder. It was so bad, he likely should have been on medication, but after watching his mother after taking the several different kinds she was prescribed over the years, he knew it was something he wanted to avoid.

And of course, now that his family was living in a proper home again, he also had a computer with the Internet in his room. Pornography with masturbation was still his escape drug of choice. When life got tough, when he fought with his parents, when he was lonely, angry, or disappointed, he went immediately for the computer.

At this point in his life, he was spending hours at a time, once or twice a week, looking at pornography, collecting pictures. All of this, however, was being hidden from his parents and from Christa.

Scott had just spent the evening at his girlfriend’s house and was driving home. He flipped on a local Christian radio station, expecting to hear music.

Scott was not a Christian. But he played one in his life. He had read the Bible, done several Bible studies, had been a part of his church’s youth group for a few years now, and agreed with practically everything about the faith. He even believed in Jesus and how he had died and was resurrected to save us. But Scott had not accepted it.

And he knew exactly why that was. If you make a commitment like that, you can’t run to pornography every time you have a problem. And, being honest, he wanted his pornography. It was his safety net. It has always been there for him. Aside from the pleasure and the chemical rush, using pornography created a fantasy world in his mind that he could always run to. It was a world where everyone was smiling, everyone was happy to see him, and everyone lived to please him.

But when he turned on the radio in his car, instead of music, a local pastor was on, delivering a sermon. He was speaking about the danger of habitual sins – addictions – and how if we don’t rein them in, we risk hardening our hearts, when we decide never to accept Christ, a decision that will likely never be reversed.

Fear gripped Scott’s heart. He really believed, but was being stubborn. By the time he pulled into his driveway, he had decided it was time. He knelt down in his driveway and finally gave his life to Christ, accepting him into his heart.

He prayed, especially, for freedom from his habitual sin, freedom from the bonds of pornography.

Salvation, he got. But the pornography wasn’t going to go down without a fight.

CONTINUE TO PART 3