Porn Again Christian – Part 4: Surrender Yourself

This is a dramatized account of a true story. My true story (just with different names and locations). It’s told from two time periods, from the start of my life, and from the start of my prison sentence. My story is not an easy one to tell. It’s not a safe testimony. And it’s a brutally honest one.

I only ask one thing: If you are going to read any part of it, read the entire story, beginning to end. This story is both about my human weaknesses and God’s righteous power. If you know someone with similar struggles, please share this with them.

If it was up to me, I would never tell my story, but God has called me to give others hope and help guide them towards Him, because no human being is worthless and everyone deserves another chance.

PLEASE START WITH PART ONE

 

Now.

At 22, Scott was one of the youngest prisoners in his unit, until a 19-year-old kid was brought in to live in his room. Sentenced for a three-month sentence in a federal prison as a wake up call, he was a young, chubby, white kid. He looked like Scott did when he was in high school.

The kid, Jared, put on the façade of a kid who wasn’t intimidated, who didn’t care that he was in prison, but, of course, it was quite the opposite.

Scott attempted several times to break through to the kid, to help him adjust to prison life, but he wasn’t having it. Until, one day, Scott walked into the room to catch Jared crying in the corner.

After a week, prison had finally hit him. 

Scott sat down across the room. “Talk to me, man. Get it out.”

Jared worked to gather his composure. He wiped his tears away, red-faced.

“C’mon, man. I’m not gonna judge you or anything. I know they say you can’t cry in prison, but, brother, I’ll admit right here, I’ve cried here several times. Sometimes, it just has to come out, man.”

Jared finally got some words out, “I just… I just don’t think I should be here.”

“Why?”

“Because all I did was make one stupid mistake. I was with my friend when he got caught selling Meth to an undercover cop. I wasn’t even the one selling it. I was just in the car…” he said.

“So, you got this sentence as, like, a wake-up call?”

“Yeah, a wake-up call. That I shouldn’t be hanging out with the wrong people.”

“I’m sorry, man. It does kind of seem excessive. But you know, even if the punishment is unfair, you do need to take it seriously. I know you won’t be here long, but you need to get into some programs here, show them that you are serious. And most of all, you need to choose better friends.”

“These are the people I’ve grown up with, though,” Jared said.

Scott thought for a second, “Do you use drugs?”

“No,” he said, not even a bit defensive. Scott believed him.

“Well,” Scott said, “You know, the Bible says that you have to be careful who you hang out with, because if you hang out with people with bad habits, you are much more likely to fall into the same habits. I bet that was the point your judge was trying to make.”

“By making me hang out with nothing but criminals?” Jared said, confused and angry.

“By showing you that this is not who you are. That you don’t belong here.”

Jared started to tear up again and tried to tough it out.

“And you don’t belong here, brother. I know that.”

“Thanks.”

“And brother, if you ever need to talk or just need someone to guard the door while you get control of your emotions, I’m here for you.”

 

1 Year Before Now.

A lot of time had passed since the first arrest while Scott and his family were awaiting his sentencing. In this time, he had learned there were a lot of people who committed to stand beside him. He received over two-dozen character letters written in support of him for the judge to read.

And in this time, he started attending Celebrate Recovery, a Christ-centered 12 step program for all habitual sins. After making it six months without looking at pornography, he was asked to lead a small men’s group through the “Every Man’s Battle” group study.

But as the day of his hearing grew closer and closer, the stress and fear started over-taking him.

The last straw came with the prosecution sent over paperwork for a plea agreement.

The typical sentence for a crime like this is ten years. The plea agreement was for two.

“Two years…” Scott said, trying to get his head around it.

Christa and his mom were with him. They both tried to be positive. Christa rubbed his back, “That’s not too bad. It could be a lot worse.”

“Yeah…” Scott said, still taking it in. “But, I mean, two entire years. I just don’t think I deserve two years. I don’t think I can do two years.”

His mom said, “Well, honey, if you don’t sign it, it’s possible you’ll be sentenced to much more.”

“I know, mom. I’m just… coming to terms with this.” It was starting to get real.

After signing the papers and knowing his hearing was just a few months away, he slipped back into old habits. Not nearly as often, but when things overwhelmed him, he had a hard time getting through it, and he’s taught himself the only way to cope with this kind of stress was pornography.

It’s all he’s ever known. And willpower alone wasn’t keeping the urge at bay.

 

Now.

Since coming to prison, Scott had read dozens of books. And about a month in, he decided to do something he had yet to accomplish. Read through the entire Bible. He certainly had plenty of time.

As he read, he came to realize something, especially once he hit the Gospels… God does heal people. Depression is largely caused by a hormonal imbalance in the brain. It makes depression much easier to fall into and much harder to get out of.

The one thing Scott had never done was to ask for God to heal him. So, that evening, he went outside during the evening recreation time, found a secluded bench, and spent the entire two hours in prayer, asking, through faith, for God to heal him of his depression for good.

From that moment forward, even with two months left on his sentence, life was better. He wasn’t sure if God had really healed him or not, but he knew one thing, he was hardly ever depressed anymore, even in such a dreadful place.

 

2 Months Before Now.

Today was Scott’s second sentencing hearing. The first one happened a few months earlier, and went very well. Not only was the judge impressed with the character letters, but almost a dozen people were there in support of Scott. The judge was encouraged that he that level of devotion from so many people. The judge said that most people who stand in court for a crime like this, stand alone.

Because of this, the judge threw out the plea agreement and wanted to have another hearing later on as he contemplated Scott’s case a little more.

On the way to the courthouse for his second hearing, the prosecutor called Scott, offering a new plea agreement for a one-year prison sentence. After a few minutes of discussion, Scott and Christa came to the conclusion that the judge already threw out the 2-year agreement, so it was likely he was contemplating a year sentence or less already, so they decided to take their chances.

In the courtroom, the judge had just sentenced a woman convicted of dealing drugs to five months. After that, Scott was called up.

The judge started, “I’ve given a lot of thought to your case. I’m going to be honest. I’m thrilled with the unprecedented level of support you have in place, which really convinces me that your risk of re-offending is relatively low.”

Scott was getting his hopes up. Maybe I’ll only get probation. I might not go to prison at all.

“But,” the judge added, “Your crime is one of the most serious ones. You just saw me give that woman five months for selling drugs. I can’t convince myself to give you no time at all. I don’t want to send you to prison. I really don’t. You are one of the very few people I’ve seen in this situation that I believe in. But, as I said, I can’t just let you off.”

Scott’s hopes turned into fears. Is he going back to the two-year agreement? Should I have taken that new deal?

“In the case of the United States of American v. Scott Erikson, I sentence you to six months in a federal penitentiary. You’re to surrender yourself in two months time.”

 

Now.

Most prisoners ignore short-timers. If you are there for six months or less, they don’t want to invest in any kind of friendship with you, because you’ll be gone all too soon and they want to avoid negative feelings as much as possible.

But Scott was different. He had made it through his six months and made over a dozen friends.

And today, they had to tell him goodbye.

The night before, a group threw him a “Going Home” party. They brought a whole bunch of commissary food and basically had a prison food feast. Then, his Christian friends prayed over him.

He hardly slept the night before, and he was up late packing all his stuff into garbage bags.

This morning, he dressed up in his sweats, leaving his uniform behind. He sat on his bed, smiling, and waiting. Any minute, they would call his name on the speaker system for the last time.

“Scott Erikson, please come to central hallway.”

Scott stood up, let out a proud sigh, and picked up his bags. As he was leaving, Ben and Phillip walked over to wish him one last farewell. Ben even began to cry.

Scott, too. “Ben, Phillip, thank you both so much. You made this time so much easier to handle. You have been great friends to me. I’m not going to miss this place, but I’m going to miss you guys.”

As he walked down the hallway to the central area, his mind was racing. Today was the day he’d been waiting for. The day he would once again be on the other side of that wall. Tonight, he would sleep in his own bed, next to his beautiful wife, and nothing was going to spoil that.

He waited in the same processing room that he sat in on his first day while they finished up his paperwork and then he was escorted to the parking lot, where Christa sat waiting for him.

After some happy tears, they got in the car and started the journey home.

“You were right, you know,” Scott said.

“About what?”

“Everything’s going to be alright.”

 

4 Years After Now.

After getting home, Scott began a three-year probation period.

While on probation for any sex offense, Scott was not allowed to look at any kind of pornography. And he was polygraphed every six months to prove he didn’t.

Unfortunately, he didn’t always make it. In the three years he was on probation, he slipped up three times. All three times came in weak moments, when stress was overwhelming. But this was a far cry from the daily habit he once had fueled by his depression.

Probation turned out to be the biggest blessing, because it gave Scott weekly therapy with a Christian therapist who specialist in sex offenses.

Scott discovered exactly why he was the way he was, worked out issues with his parents, laid out all of his self-image issues with his wife, honestly and open, and was finally able to trust in God to take the burden of this habitual sin from him.

And tonight, he was celebrating his second year of freedom from pornography. And he celebrated by sharing his testimony with a huge room of people at the same Celebrate Recovery where his healing began.

Scott is a Sex Offender, and he most likely will have to register as one for the rest of his life. Most Sex Offenders try and stay out of sight, out of fear. But Scott has been called to share his story. It is his story and he owns it, because his story is a story of healing, of redemption, and of overcoming a habitual sin that has been with him since childhood. He’s finally the man he always knew he was supposed to be.

And now, his desire is to share his story with anyone who needs to listen, to inspire men, especially Christian men, who are they, themselves, slaves to pornography.

There is hope for everyone, and Scott is living proof.